My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
