I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
