Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
