Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
tell me about the eggs
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
