so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
