My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
