nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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