I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
