I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Vodka?
Forever.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
