Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
