OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
