my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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