Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
