If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Randomize
