so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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