Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
