i love accidental penises.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize