Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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