dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
