So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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