The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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