dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
