Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
