I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
