i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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