Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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