i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
