Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
