and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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