I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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