My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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