Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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