this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
