i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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