I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
