the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
