The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
