Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
