did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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