guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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