I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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