He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
high people should be assigned attendants
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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