Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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