You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
