Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Randomize
