last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
