the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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