Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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