i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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