Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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