lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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