And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
