i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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