This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
