dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
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