You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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