he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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