he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
