Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
