She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
