tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think im going to throw up on grandma
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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